Redskins Changing Name To…

WASHINGTON, D.C. Smoke signals were seen today from the Washington Redskins training complex announcing the NFL franchise is close to releasing a new team name more palatable to today’s woke sensibilities.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder held a powwow recently with national media and said a Native American focus group would be releasing the name of the team’s new moniker within a moon or two.

The Redskins Renaming Council is comprised of three braves and two squaws from multiple tribes. The group has whittled the list of names to three over a buffalo stew potluck and sweat lodge strategy session.

Snyder said the novel move to ask the Native American focus group to rename the Redskins was intended to right historic wrongs, though none of the five Native American panelists said they had reservations about the name used by the NFL team since 1933.

Also attending and vaping from a communal peace pipe were members of several student council tribes, including representatives from Brown University, Yellowstone College, Redland Community College, and Blackburn University.

No Caucasians were privileged to participate in the gauntlet of ideas for renaming the Redskins, although they were invited to a bonfire after the new name was official if they denounced their white privilege and the tomahawk chop at sporting events.

They also had to swear off of ever listening to “Cherokee Nation” and Redbone’s “Come and Get Your Love.”

Reportedly Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth (Lieawatha) Warren had thrown her headdress into the ring, but didn’t make the final cut because two panel members said she plagiarized several dishes in her Powwow Chow cookbook.

Below are the three finalist names chosen by the Native American Renaming Council:

Washington Wookies A Wookie is defined as “a fictional hirsute humanoid alien who is stronger and taller than most humans.” That certainly describes many professional NFL players.

Also, the Urban Dictionary defines a Wookie as “a lifeless idiot who dislikes showering and shaving and who stands for nothing and cares for nothing but themselves.” That definitely describes the whiners deriding the name Redskins as racist.

Washington Wokesters The Redskins and others surrendering to the cancel culture claim to be “woke” to past insensitivities and slights.  As the Good Book says in Romans:  “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God – except for the Woke, who are sinless, infallible and all-knowing” in telling the world what’s wrong with everyone else.

Washington Weeping Willows Willows are trees that like wet, boggy conditions. In short, they’re suck-ups often used as ornamental plants. What could be more ornamental than a bunch of aggrieved millionaire athletes whining about social justice issues affecting inner cities while they live in multimillion dollar mansions in the ‘burbs.

Once the Redskins name is replaced, it may be back to the drawing board for Snyder and his Native American Renaming Council.  Sources are saying protests are already underway objecting to the team’s use of the name “Washington.”

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who know God has blessed our country. 

Photo source: Deseret News, Screen Critix, Tusker Daily, LoopholesonLife

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George© 

Peloton Debuts the Pelositon Bike

NEW YORK CITY – Peleton, the boutique fitness bike company, today announced plans for a new specialty bike designed especially for political enthusiasts.

The bike’s name is a tribute to two-time Democrat House speaker Nancy Pelosi (CA). Like it’s namesake, the Pelositon is destined to be one-of-a-kind.

The Pelositon is the first fitness bike equipped with what Peloton calls “Stutter Step” pedaling.  The patent-pending Stutter Step feature mimics Speaker Pelosi’s mesmerizing speaking style, including sudden braking, unexpected pauses and a torrent of hyperbolic activity.

Especially impressive is the Pelositon’s first-of-its-kind backpedaling feature that challenges riders to go to the extreme by pushing themselves to adapt their pedaling tempo to whatever random challenge this devilishly clever bike throws at them.

Pelotron makes no apology if its constituents find the random backpedaling annoying because, like supporters of Speaker Pelosi, that’s just part of the ride with the Pelositon

The Pelositon also comes equipped with career video highlights from the Speaker’s many memorable moments, just three being:

  • Pelosi’s infamous shredding on national television of President Trump’s February State of the Union message;
  • Her recent show-and-tell with Late, Late Show host James Corden while thousands of businesses awaited SBA funding she was blocking;
  • The Speaker’s handing out Trump impeachment pens at the outset of the COVID-19 pandemic.

A Pelositon Deluxe model comes with designer ice cream cup holders and a one-year free membership in Nancy’s Decadent Chocolate Ice Cream of the Month Club – a $180 savings!

 

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo sources: Vital BMX, Donald J. Trump

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George© 

ISIS Cancels European Jihad Season

MIDDLE EAST – In a surprising move to many, ISIS recently canceled the remainder of its jihadist season in the European League due to the coronavirus.

The Sunday Times of London reports that ISIS announced a ‘sharia’ directive at a hastily called press conference warning hundreds of its members about conducting terrorism activities throughout Europe during the coronavirus pandemic.

ISIS said it was taking the extreme step in order to protect its players and the league’s branding strategy of fear and chaos.

“The healthy should not enter the land of the epidemic,” ISIS League President Mohammad M Mohammed announced in somber tones.

President Mohammed also referred to COVID-19 as a “plague” and a “torment sent by Allah on whomsoever he wills, but especially infidels who don’t wash their hands and shamelessly touch their faces while playing Fortnite and binge watching Netflix movies.

In the sharia directive jihadists were instructed to wash their hands regularly and to cover their mouth when sneezing or yawning.  There was no guidance about covering their faces since that’s a given when conducting terrorist activity.

When queried why jihadists seemingly willing to blow themselves up conducting acts of terrorism were afraid of germs and catching flu from Europeans,  Mohammed quickly belittled the questioner.

“Not all soldiers of Allah blow themselves up,” he said vehemently. “Our team rosters also include brave men willing to use knives, automobiles and machetes against unsuspecting infidels.”

But Mohammed wasn’t through yet.

“Idiots! That’s your typical infidel stereotyping of our martyr-to-be Muslim youth,” he spat in disgust.

There followed an awkward moment before Mohammad Mohammed discretely withdrew a Lysol aerosol bottle from a pocket of his black Nike hoodie and sprayed disinfectant over his spittle before cautiously wiping it up.

“Apologies,” he muttered quietly.  “You infidels drive me crazy.”

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country.

Photo source: Orange County Register, The Independent

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Confident Biden Making Cabinet Choices

Detractors may call Joe Biden slow, but there’s nothing slow about the former vice-president’s actions since his momentous South Carolina and Super Tuesday (or Super Thursday) wins.

According to Breitbart, Axios was reporting Monday that Biden’s staff was busy compiling a list of Cabinet picks for their boss’s consideration, including many Obama leftovers – I mean, holdovers.

According to anonymous sources close to Biden though, Dean Riffs has learned the expected 2020 Democrat nominee has a few picks of his own he’s looking forward to joining his administration, including:

  • Teddy Roosevelt as Interior Secretary because he was a proven conservationist as President during the Korean Conflict;
  • George C. Scott as Secretary of Defense based on his success leading colonial militias during the Civil War against the Hessian Nazis at Trenton;
  • Reese Witherspoon as Attorney General for her demonstrable knowledge of the criminal justice system in Legally Blonde;
  • Jane Fonda as Labor Secretary for her well known experience dealing with the challenges of working women stuck on the 9-5 treadmill;

  • Former presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg as Education Secretary because he understands the peer pressure of being gay and the last kid chosen for dodge ball in PE class.  Also, Biden knows that Mayor Pete enjoys counseling kids on lifestyle options and will leave no child behind – unless instructed to by a pro-choice mother having second thoughts;
  • Nancy Pelosi as EPA secretary because she understands the value of recycling and paper preservation.  “I’ve known Nancy for years and she’s no paper tiger, I’ll tell you that,” Biden said emphatically.

  • Pink, Cindy Lauper and WWE female wrestler Asuka to Cabinet positions to be announced later in order to fulfill Biden’s promise of including women of colorful hair.

A few non-Cabinet level positions Biden is considering includes Madonna as spiritual adviser because Amtrak Joe is a good Catholic.  He also believes the Material Girl will set the ethical bar high for an OBiden-Bama administration.

Finally, Biden is also considering placing MSNBC anchor Brian Williams as head of the Office of Management and Budget because the journalist has a shrewd ability to manipulate statistics to say whatever a Democrat administration needs them to say.

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo sources:  Business Insider, The Guardian, jamiegreening.com

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Vladimir Putin Announces Candidacy

Just when you thought the Democrat presidential primary couldn’t get any crazier than Joe Biden butchering the Declaration of Independence, the unbelievable happens.

Today CNN is reporting that Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced plans to run as a Democrat in the 2020 presidential race.

When questioned by CNN’s John King about this unexpected event, Putin just smiled and said through an interpreter he believed his years of experience as the head of a communist superpower gives him a leg up on the current crop of socialist wannabes.

Confirming Democrat suspicions that President Trump was Putin’s stooge, Putin said by running as a Democrat presidential candidate he could eliminate Trump as a middleman and run the American ship of state more efficiently without all that checks and balance nonsense.

“It’s what you Americans call a win-win,” Putin said through an interpreter.  “Democrats get rid of Trump and America gets an experienced Commander-in-Chief who pledges not to use Twitter and insult his political opponents with silly names,” Putin said while pointing a finger gun at John Roberts of Fox News.

As for his qualifications to serve as president of both Russia and America, Putin pointed to America’s booming economy under his puppet Trump:

  • 4 million new jobs since Putin helped Trump steal the election from Hillary Clinton and 3.5 million since Trump took office
  • Jobless claims at their lowest level in 5 decades
  • African-American, Hispanic, and Asian-American unemployment rates with recently reached record lows.
  • Youth unemployment recently reached its lowest level in more than 50 years.
  • 68 percent of Americans reported receiving a pay increase in the past year.

When quizzed about the Constitutional requirements for presidential eligibility, the bare chested Putin made a dismissive motion before mounting a brown stallion and producing papers documenting his American citizenship and proof of residency.

When asked how he got his American citizenship, Putin smiled wanly and credited former Russian president Dmitry Medvedev and the Obama Administration for providing that and a legal address at the University of California-Berkeley.

In exchange the newest Democrat 2020 candidate fixed Hillary Clinton’s broken reset button and returned it to the State Department with a lifetime guarantee.

The Sanders campaign quickly criticized today’s surprise development when the frustrated Democrat front runner said, “Vladimir Putin already had his chance at universal health care and free college tuition and he failed.  Putin isn’t progressive enough.  It’s time to give someone else a shot – it’s the right thing to do.”

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo source: ABC NewsThe Telegraph

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

How to Winnow Friends and Infuriate Voters

Democrat presidential candidate and former NYC mayor Mike Bloomberg has announced plans to write a sequel to one of the world’s bestselling self-help books of all time.

After last night’s debate performance Bloomberg needs all the self-help he can get.

Mini-Mike has announced plans to write a modern day follow-up to Dale Carnegie’s popular bestseller, “How To Win Friends and Influence People.” The working title is “How A Billionaire Wins Friends and Influences Voters by Awakening the Giant Within and Developing 7 Highly Effective Habits.”

Below are some early excerpts from the new book:

  • “Kill it,” Bloomberg told a saleswoman when she explained she was pregnant.
  • “You’ve got to get the guns out of the hands of the people that are getting killed.”
  • “People in these neighborhoods are poor, they’re not going to be able to pay off their mortgages, tell your salesmen don’t go into those areas.”
  • “I can teach anybody to be a farmer.  It’s a process. You dig a hole, put a seed in, put dirt on top, add water, up comes the corn.”
  • (Aptitude of tech workers compared to farmers) The skill sets that you have to learn are how to think and analyze, and that is a whole degree level different.  You have to have a different skill set, you have to have a lot more gray matter.”

Bloomberg campaign spokeswoman Faiz Shakir says the former three-time mayor of New York City is uniquely qualified to pen such a book because he’s got the best friends money can buy, and he has a proven track record of influencing voters by spending millions to buy their attention.

Shakir reminded voters that Bloomberg would be a better Commander-in-Chief than President Trump because he’s wealthier but not as arrogant or abrasive – unless you aren’t like Mike.

If Bloomberg beats out fellow presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, America’s best known millionaire communist, Mike the Munchkin would be the country’s first billionaire socialist to occupy the Oval Office.

Photo sources: floridapolitics.com, kobo.com

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Trump’s Yuge Presidents’ Day Sale

To celebrate President’s Day 2020, President Donald Trump has announced plans for a week-long sale of historic proportions.

Beginning today the Trump Administration is offering unheard savings as evidenced by a reduction of the National Security Council staff by 50 percent.  You heard that right! All Obama-era holdovers must go and no bid is too low for a Never-Trump bureaucrat at this year’s Presidents’ Day Sale!

Voters enjoyed a two-for-one flash sale Friday when Army Lt. Col Alexander Vindman was escorted off the White Houses grounds and dismissed from the National Security Council.  Around the same time Vindman’s twin brother, Lt. Col. Yevgeny Vindman, also left the National Security Council.

In a political consumer event almost too big to believe,  later that same day the U.S. Ambassador to the European Union, Gordon Sondland, was recalled from his overseas position.

And that’s not all!  All bureaucrats bearing the Deep State label must go and no reasonable offer will be refused, says National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien.  O’Brien is promising more job cuts this week and the president has insisted that all Obama holdovers will be available on a first come, first subpoena-served basis.

If you’re in the market for an experienced backstabber, loquacious liar or illicit leaker, you must act fast to take advantage of this sensational Deep State Presidents’ Day Sale.

Hurry fast for best selection because President Trump has promised to make 2020 the biggest swamp draining event ever!  Once the rule of law is restored and these power-crazed Obama flunkies are gone, they’re gone for good!

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo sources: Jennings Chevrolet, Sun Sentinel

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

The Founding Fathers on Impeachment

“Good evening viewers, and welcome to The Story.  I’m your host, Martha MacCallum, and we have a very special panel assembled tonight to discuss Washington’s hottest story:  the impeachment of President Donald Trump.

“Joining me tonight are three household names, at least for those who paid attention in high school history class.  Tonight we welcome three legendary Virginians – former president James Madison, George Mason, the author of Virginia’s Declaration of Rights, and Constitutional Convention delegate Edmund Randolph.

“Gentlemen, welcome to The Story. President Madison, let’s start with you, sir.  Your general impression of this historic impeachment of America’s 45th president?”

“In a word ma’am, ‘scandalous.’  This fiasco is a perfect example of why we set the bar for impeachment so high.  It was never intended to be used as a bludgeon and to be abused by someone like Mr. Pencil Neck and that saucy, slurring wench Pelosi.

“So you think these impeachment hearings don’t meet the criteria you and others intended?” MacCallum asked.

“Certainly not,” the diminutive fourth president exclaimed.  ‘Abuse of power’ and ‘obstruction of justice’ are hardly impeachable offenses as we designed them – even if they are brought by a congenital liar whose eyes look like he cheated the hangman more than once.

“Allow me to translate the impeachment articles as submitted by the House impeachment managers: Article 1: We detest Donald Trump, and Article 2:  We can’t beat Donald Trump at the ballot box.”

“And what say you, Mr. Mason?  Do you agree with President Madison’s assessment?” MacCallum asked.

“Quite, my dear,” Mason snorted. “The first article of impeachment, abuse of power, is so vague it could mean anything from the president tweeted fat jokes about Jerrold Nadler, to he entered Maxine Waters into the Westminster Dog Show.  It’s a preposterous charge…the articles of impeachment, I mean, not about entering Mrs. Waters into a dog show.

“And the second count, sir? Obstruction of Congress?” MacCallum queried.

“Balderdash!” Mason said vehemently.  “Defending yourself against rogue intelligence agents, slanderous members of Congress and a soft coup by ‘Deep State’ pencil pushers is hardly obstructing Congress.”

“Mr. Randolph, what about you? Your feelings on the nation’s third impeachment effort against a sitting president?” MacCallum asked Virginia’s seventh governor.

“It’s all incredulous,” Randolph said quietly. “From our unique vantage point as authors of the Constitution, its obvious that President Trump wasn’t soliciting interference in 2020, but rather was seeking a commitment from a country receiving American foreign aid as to whether illicit election interference occurred in 2016.”

“The whole kit and caboodle sounds like something Benedict Arnold would have done against George Washington!” he added disgustedly.

“Gentlemen, thank you for being here and for sharing your take on the Trump impeachment,” MacCallum said at the interview’s conclusion.  “I can’t let you go, though, without asking all of you about your opinion on the hit Broadway musical, Alexander Hamilton.

Almost as one the trio rolled their eyes before Madison replied, “Hamilton has been insufferable since that damnable show went live. Know what’s funny, though? Alex can’t carry a tune to save his life, and we all know that white men can’t dance!”

Photo source: wikipedia.com, history.com, salon.com

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Hasbro Suing NY Over Baleful Bail Reform Law

PAWTUCKET, RI – Hasbro, Inc. recently announced plans to sue the state of New York over Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s new bail reform law.

Since Jan. 1 the state of New York has been allowing suspects accused of “non-violent” crimes to avoid jail without posting bail.  One alleged perpetrator had robbed six Chase banks in New York City neighborhoods between Dec. 30 and the time of this writing.

Each time he was released after what NYC mayor Bill DeBlasio called “involuntary withdrawals” from greedy, racist lending institutions.

Hasbro, a toy, board game and entertainment company with revenues of $5.2 billion, is bringing the suit against New York for copyright infringement.

Specifically, Hasbro claims that the new bail reform law essentially constitutes a get-out-of-jail-free card synonymous with the company’s classic board game, Monopoly.

“We feel we have no choice,” said Hasbro attorney R. U. Legal.  “This new bail reform law is estimated to set free at least 20,000 criminals during the first year alone.  That’s 20,000 people who may be scoping out Virginia Avenue, St. James Place or Marvin Gardens, surveiling houses and hotels – maybe even planning to rob the bank.”

Named in the suit is the state of New York, Gov Andrew Cuomo and state Attorney General Letitia James.  Cuomo spokesperson Rich Azzopardi said Hasbro was free to take a chance and roll the dice by bringing suit, but he didn’t expect they’d pass go and collect any damages.

Azzopardi added the state wasn’t going to be “railroaded” into revoking the new law.

“Gimme a break,” Azzopardi said with a dismissive gesture.  “It’s not like Hasbro as a monopoly on the whole get-out-of-jail-free game.”

Sources: nbcnews.com, foxnews.com, wnyt.com

Photo source: Yonkers Times

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Portland Enacts Nation’s First Green New Deal

Welcome to 2020!  On January 1 Portland, Oregon officially became the first U.S. city to enact a Green New Deal carbon tax on business.

We’re dubious that’s what businesses fleeing Gavin Newsom’s California meant when saying they were seeking greener pastures than the Death Valley of Capitalism.

The Portland Clean Energy Community Benefits Initiative, or PCECBI, originally passed as a ballot initiative in 2018.  It includes a 1% surtax on big box retailers like Wal-Mart, Target and Home Depot because of climate change or something and represents “a larger political effort to reshape who calls the shots—and who benefits—in America’s whitest big city.”

According to Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler the retailers also deserve a surtax because they use too much plastic and don’t offer group discounts for Rose City Antifa, the oldest active Antifa group in the country.

The new initiative is designed to supply clean, efficient energy, provide rad jobs to people of color, and promote economic justice – presumably by taking from those who have to give to those who want more for doing less.

Mayor Wheeler is confident the city’s third attempt to pass a climate utopia tax will work after two failed attempts because the PCECBI bill enacted this year includes a new wrinkle: a mandate to suspend economic reality.

“PCECBI can thrive because the program won’t be measured by the strict financial metrics that utility-funded projects are measured by.  Instead, PCECBI projects can focus more on less easily measured health and climate benefits,” said group spokesperson Ora Ganic.

In other words, with no real accountability and millions of dollars available through a new surtax on retailers, Portland’s new, new, Green New Deal can’t fail.

“It’s a model for the rest of the nation,” Mayor Wheeler said. “A beacon and a testament to our community’s belief in doing things a different way.”

With city planning like this, how long before Portland at night time resembles North Korea?

Sources: thegatewaypundit

Photo sources: reddit.com, grist.org, oregonlive.com

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©