Month: March 2020

ISIS Cancels European Jihad Season

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MIDDLE EAST – In a surprising move to many, ISIS recently canceled the remainder of its jihadist season in the European League due to the coronavirus.

The Sunday Times of London reports that ISIS announced a ‘sharia’ directive at a hastily called press conference warning hundreds of its members about conducting terrorism activities throughout Europe during the coronavirus pandemic.

ISIS said it was taking the extreme step in order to protect its players and the league’s branding strategy of fear and chaos.

“The healthy should not enter the land of the epidemic,” ISIS League President Mohammad M Mohammed announced in somber tones.

President Mohammed also referred to COVID-19 as a “plague” and a “torment sent by Allah on whomsoever he wills, but especially infidels who don’t wash their hands and shamelessly touch their faces while playing Fortnite and binge watching Netflix movies.

In the sharia directive jihadists were instructed to wash their hands regularly and to cover their mouth when sneezing or yawning.  There was no guidance about covering their faces since that’s a given when conducting terrorist activity.

When queried why jihadists seemingly willing to blow themselves up conducting acts of terrorism were afraid of germs and catching flu from Europeans,  Mohammed quickly belittled the questioner.

“Not all soldiers of Allah blow themselves up,” he said vehemently. “Our team rosters also include brave men willing to use knives, automobiles and machetes against unsuspecting infidels.”

But Mohammed wasn’t through yet.

“Idiots! That’s your typical infidel stereotyping of our martyr-to-be Muslim youth,” he spat in disgust.

There followed an awkward moment before Mohammad Mohammed discretely withdrew a Lysol aerosol bottle from a pocket of his black Nike hoodie and sprayed disinfectant over his spittle before cautiously wiping it up.

“Apologies,” he muttered quietly.  “You infidels drive me crazy.”

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country.

Photo source: Orange County Register, The Independent

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Confident Biden Making Cabinet Choices

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Detractors may call Joe Biden slow, but there’s nothing slow about the former vice-president’s actions since his momentous South Carolina and Super Tuesday (or Super Thursday) wins.

According to Breitbart, Axios was reporting Monday that Biden’s staff was busy compiling a list of Cabinet picks for their boss’s consideration, including many Obama leftovers – I mean, holdovers.

According to anonymous sources close to Biden though, Dean Riffs has learned the expected 2020 Democrat nominee has a few picks of his own he’s looking forward to joining his administration, including:

  • Teddy Roosevelt as Interior Secretary because he was a proven conservationist as President during the Korean Conflict;
  • George C. Scott as Secretary of Defense based on his success leading colonial militias during the Civil War against the Hessian Nazis at Trenton;
  • Reese Witherspoon as Attorney General for her demonstrable knowledge of the criminal justice system in Legally Blonde;
  • Jane Fonda as Labor Secretary for her well known experience dealing with the challenges of working women stuck on the 9-5 treadmill;

  • Former presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg as Education Secretary because he understands the peer pressure of being gay and the last kid chosen for dodge ball in PE class.  Also, Biden knows that Mayor Pete enjoys counseling kids on lifestyle options and will leave no child behind – unless instructed to by a pro-choice mother having second thoughts;
  • Nancy Pelosi as EPA secretary because she understands the value of recycling and paper preservation.  “I’ve known Nancy for years and she’s no paper tiger, I’ll tell you that,” Biden said emphatically.

  • Pink, Cindy Lauper and WWE female wrestler Asuka to Cabinet positions to be announced later in order to fulfill Biden’s promise of including women of colorful hair.

A few non-Cabinet level positions Biden is considering includes Madonna as spiritual adviser because Amtrak Joe is a good Catholic.  He also believes the Material Girl will set the ethical bar high for an OBiden-Bama administration.

Finally, Biden is also considering placing MSNBC anchor Brian Williams as head of the Office of Management and Budget because the journalist has a shrewd ability to manipulate statistics to say whatever a Democrat administration needs them to say.

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo sources:  Business Insider, The Guardian, jamiegreening.com

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

Vladimir Putin Announces Candidacy

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Just when you thought the Democrat presidential primary couldn’t get any crazier than Joe Biden butchering the Declaration of Independence, the unbelievable happens.

Today CNN is reporting that Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced plans to run as a Democrat in the 2020 presidential race.

When questioned by CNN’s John King about this unexpected event, Putin just smiled and said through an interpreter he believed his years of experience as the head of a communist superpower gives him a leg up on the current crop of socialist wannabes.

Confirming Democrat suspicions that President Trump was Putin’s stooge, Putin said by running as a Democrat presidential candidate he could eliminate Trump as a middleman and run the American ship of state more efficiently without all that checks and balance nonsense.

“It’s what you Americans call a win-win,” Putin said through an interpreter.  “Democrats get rid of Trump and America gets an experienced Commander-in-Chief who pledges not to use Twitter and insult his political opponents with silly names,” Putin said while pointing a finger gun at John Roberts of Fox News.

As for his qualifications to serve as president of both Russia and America, Putin pointed to America’s booming economy under his puppet Trump:

  • 4 million new jobs since Putin helped Trump steal the election from Hillary Clinton and 3.5 million since Trump took office
  • Jobless claims at their lowest level in 5 decades
  • African-American, Hispanic, and Asian-American unemployment rates with recently reached record lows.
  • Youth unemployment recently reached its lowest level in more than 50 years.
  • 68 percent of Americans reported receiving a pay increase in the past year.

When quizzed about the Constitutional requirements for presidential eligibility, the bare chested Putin made a dismissive motion before mounting a brown stallion and producing papers documenting his American citizenship and proof of residency.

When asked how he got his American citizenship, Putin smiled wanly and credited former Russian president Dmitry Medvedev and the Obama Administration for providing that and a legal address at the University of California-Berkeley.

In exchange the newest Democrat 2020 candidate fixed Hillary Clinton’s broken reset button and returned it to the State Department with a lifetime guarantee.

The Sanders campaign quickly criticized today’s surprise development when the frustrated Democrat front runner said, “Vladimir Putin already had his chance at universal health care and free college tuition and he failed.  Putin isn’t progressive enough.  It’s time to give someone else a shot – it’s the right thing to do.”

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo source: ABC News,  The Telegraph

Copyright 2020, Dean A. George©

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