MIDDLE EAST – In a surprising move to many, ISIS recently canceled the remainder of its jihadist season in the European League due to the coronavirus.
The Sunday Times of London reports that ISIS announced a ‘sharia’ directive at a hastily called press conference warning hundreds of its members about conducting terrorism activities throughout Europe during the coronavirus pandemic.
ISIS said it was taking the extreme step in order to protect its players and the league’s branding strategy of fear and chaos.
“The healthy should not enter the land of the epidemic,” ISIS League President Mohammad M Mohammed announced in somber tones.
President Mohammed also referred to COVID-19 as a “plague” and a “torment sent by Allah on whomsoever he wills, but especially infidels who don’t wash their hands and shamelessly touch their faces while playing Fortnite and binge watching Netflix movies.
In the sharia directive jihadists were instructed to wash their hands regularly and to cover their mouth when sneezing or yawning. There was no guidance about covering their faces since that’s a given when conducting terrorist activity.
When queried why jihadists seemingly willing to blow themselves up conducting acts of terrorism were afraid of germs and catching flu from Europeans, Mohammed quickly belittled the questioner.
“Not all soldiers of Allah blow themselves up,” he said vehemently. “Our team rosters also include brave men willing to use knives, automobiles and machetes against unsuspecting infidels.”
But Mohammed wasn’t through yet.
“Idiots! That’s your typical infidel stereotyping of our martyr-to-be Muslim youth,” he spat in disgust.
There followed an awkward moment before Mohammad Mohammed discretely withdrew a Lysol aerosol bottle from a pocket of his black Nike hoodie and sprayed disinfectant over his spittle before cautiously wiping it up.
“Apologies,” he muttered quietly. “You infidels drive me crazy.”
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Photo source: Orange County Register, The Independent
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