Trump Behind “Hairy” Conspiracy

It’s only mid-August and conspiracy theories are in full bloom in the nation’s capitol. 

The “Gotcha” speculations are so profuse they outnumber human droppings in Nancy Botoxi’s Scat Francisco district.  Someone should create a spreadsheet to keep track.

Most recently is Jeffrey Epstein’s dubious “suicide.” The week before was the left blaming President Trump for the tragic mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton. 

Ongoing is the spurious impeachment proceedings by unhinged Democrats in the House of Representatives, both the “formal” and “informal” variety. 

I asked my Android personal digital assistant to define “informal impeachment proceeding” and it displayed an image of Jerry Nadler in Bermuda shorts sipping a Mai Tai.

Finally, there is Episode 4, Act 3, Scene 2 in the Russian Collusion Illusion.

Today there’s another “hairy” conspiracy that has so far gone unreported, and Dean Riffs has the exclusive details.

Donald Trump will soon be accused by rival presidential campaigns, the mainstream media and the loopy staff of Morning Joe and Rachel Maddow of “scripting” front runner Joe Biden’s gaffes through a nefarious new mode of sensory processing disorder.

Code named “Joe Blows,” the diabolical sensory processor will be blamed for a string of recent Biden verbal blunders, including:

We choose unity over division. We choose science over fiction. We choose truth over facts…”  

Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids…”

Those kids in Parkland came to see me when I was Vice-President.” NOTE: Parkland shooting happened in 2018 – Joe Biden’s term as Vice-President was over January 20, 2017.

Using a cutting edge process pioneered by Russian intelligence, reportedly Orange Man Bad has managed to implant a form of nanotechnology into Biden’s hair plugs that allow the president and his campaign team to inject pre-written messaging into Biden’s speeches.

The result:  the Democrat front-runner sounds like a senile, over-the-hill presidential candidate rather than the charismatic, energetic, hair-sniffing dynamo he really is.

The reaction from the president’s 2020 Democrat chew toy opponents was immediate:

“This is a very dangerous president who makes Americans’ hair stand on end.”  – Spartacus

“If you ask me, he’s a racist, a white supremacist and a bully.  The president’s candidacy is hanging by a hair.”  – Robert Francis O’Rourke from his skateboard

“Look, I don’t want to split hairs and it gives me no pleasure to say this, but I think all of the evidence out there suggests that we have a president who is a racist, a xenophobe, and has just managed to avoid impeachment by a hair.” – Bernie “Back in the USSR” Sanders

“He’s changing the conversation, and if we allow him to do that we will tear our hair out rather than focus on real solutions for real Americans.” – Beto O’Rourke again, but this time standing on a diner counter in someone’s chili and crackers.

High level sources reveal that Trump got the idea of hijacking Biden’s thought processes from son Baron after father and son watched Bruce Almighty together.

 

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Photo sources: c-fam.org, politics.theonion.com, Movie Clips

 

Copyright 2019, Dean A. George©

Democrat Presidential Candidate Sale!

Samantha Socialist knew it was time to replace her 10-year-old Prius when an Amish farmer flipped her off one morning while passing her in his overloaded hay wagon.

Upon arriving at work Samantha borrowed a copy of Auto-Traitor from her friend Bart, a female Betty transitioning to a male Bart.  Prior to being Betty, Bart/Betty fancied xi/xis self as Bumble Bee or Optimus Prime of the Transformers depending on zi/zis’s available wardrobe that day. 

Both Sam and Bart/Betty worked on the assembly line at the Green Splice environmental plant recycling pixels and fonts from politically conservative websites that had been banned by social media’s Big Three.

Within minutes of skimming the Auto-Traitor Sam located the ride she thought would be perfect.  The Tom Dyer Dynamo was a completely green hybrid that ran on grass clippings, rainbow wishes and UV-protected solar power.

After work Sam buzzed down to the Sanders-Warren Commie Car Corner to kick the tires and meet salesman C. Booker, whose name tag for some reason read “Spartacus.”

Spartacus proudly walked her through the car’s impressive features, including its 200-unicorn-powered engine, its patented open borders acceleration technology; the slave reparations all-wheel drive, and its green new deal emissions standards.

“The manufacturer’s warranty also includes free handouts to any undocumented immigrants who carpool with you or you help sneak over the border.  The handouts include food stamps, medical care, housing vouchers, abortion on demand and free public education for the little ones,” Booker said in a rhetorical flourish. 

“Cages for the kids are available in the EX package,” he added triumphantly.

After test driving the Dynamo it was time for the part Sam dreaded the most: haggling over the price.   Much to her relief co-owner Bernie Sanders rescued her and told her to put away her filthy green money.

“At this dealership we believe driving a car is a human right – not something to profit from,” he said in an accent that strangely reminded her of Seinfeld writer and producer Larry David.

“Driving an environmentally-friendly car should be recognized as a human right, not a privilege,” he intoned in front of an American flag.  “Every man, woman and child in our country should be able to access the transportation they need regardless of their income,” he added emphatically.

Smiling, Sam thanked him but there was something she had to know.  “How do you stay in business giving away free cars and stuff?”

In one of the scariest experiences of her life, Bernie smiled at her for what seemed an eternity.  Thankfully, his smile eventually disappeared and he replied in earnest, “Don’t you worry about us; we’ll be fine.  However, we are living in a nation and in a world which worships the acquisition of money and great wealth.

“I don’t think that is the country you should be living in.”

Thanks for reading Dean Riffs. Welcome to all those who love American liberty, free enterprise, and who believe God has blessed our country. 

Sources: The News Junkie’s Cartoons, Inside Edition, Fox Business

Photo source: blog.beforward.jp, New York PostDLPNG.com

 

Copyright 2019, Dean A. George©